James Weir recaps Married At First Sight Australia 2022 episode 15
A Married At First Sight wife sternly informs her rich husband he might not be attractive enough for her before vaguely reciting the lyrics to a JLo song by telling him she doesn't care how much money he has because her love don't cost a thing.
It's a humiliating bash to his ego. Particularly because the savage feedback is served while he's wearing an expensive Gucci blazer that makes him look like he works as the valet driver at a luxury hotel.
We feel for him. But at least it's not as bad as what another groom endures tonight, when he's forced to cower in a spare bedroom and film a Blair Witch-style SOS video on his personal phone.
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It's the day after Kate and Matt's wedding and we're concerned. Last time we saw her, she made it clear she was unhappy with the husband the experts had matched her with.
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Advertise with NZME.We're guessing she'll feel even more uncomfortable when she sees this footage of him watching her sleep.
When they arrive at their honeymoon destination, Kate grimaces at the realisation their Airbnb consists of just one open-plan room. She checks the cupboard to see if it's big enough for her to sleep in.
Yes, Kate has made it crystal clear that she hasn't felt an immediate spark with Matt — but she's willing to see if those feelings grow. And it's not like she's being rude. Just look! They're having a great time!
"Would you do it all over again," Matt asks his wife in jest about the wedding.
"With someone else?" she half-laughs, joking but sorta-not-really.
A producer pulls her aside to see how she's feeling.
"Are you having fun?" they ask.
Kate doesn't answer. She just gives this face:
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Advertise with NZME.Kate's clearly enjoying the early days of her marriage and we don't want to intrude further, so we abandon her and head over to Dom and Jack's to see if the toilet still hasn't been flushed.
"I thought we were having a really good time," Dom tells her husband impatiently, unable to see that he's mortified about being shamed on national TV for not flushing.
"I don't like you talking about something I've done that was an accident and it's embarrassing — and you laughing about it to everyone else," he tries to explain in a calm and rational tone.
"It's funny," Dom declares.
"Well, to me, it's embarrassing," he rebuts.
Not to sound like that annoying Old El Paso girl, but it was both.
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Advertise with NZME.Can you believe we're still inducting lunatics into the MAFS nuthouse? Yes, we're forced to attend another wedding tonight. Conspiracy theory: Married At First Sight is actually a government-funded programme to stop these crazy people from menacing society for a few months.
Jessica and Daniel are the new entries. The wedding goes smoothly and then we cut to them drinking moonshine on the dusty patio of a rural shack.
Their hands are entwined and they sit in comfortable silence. It feels like they only just met but also like they've lived a thousand lives together — all at the same time. The silence is filled by the buzz of flies being electrocuted by the nearby bug zapper lamp. This day couldn't be more perfect.
"I swear, when I have my real-life wedding, it's gonna be so much more practical," Jessica breaks the silence. "(I'll wear) trackies."
Daniel drops his wife's hand. Real-life wedding? But this was a real-life wedding! Well. Real-ish. Kinda. At least this wedding didn't get crashed by the other MAFS lunatics, like the ones last night.
Hurt and offended, Daniel runs into the next room. He thinks he's being used by some chick who just wants to get her mug on TV for a few weeks.
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Advertise with NZME."I just don't know if she's genuine," he shakes his head to a producer.
"Have you seen this show before?" the producer scoffs.
Anyway, he returns to the patio and she says it's all a misunderstanding. When she said "real wedding" she meant the real wedding they'd have together after the show, without the cameras. He believes her. Maybe it really is love. Or maybe it's the moonshine.
Meanwhile, one of our other new couples, Carolina and Dion, are enjoying the first day of their honeymoon. It's going great. Until Carolina finds out her new husband comes with a tonne of baggage.
Carolina might be a fancy lady but that's not necessarily a quality she likes in her fellas. And she's not impressed when Dion shows her his elaborate designer eyewear collection.
Dion likes the finer things in life and he's not ashamed of letting the world know. For him, it's all about luxury — cars, clothes, watches. This is the world he lives in and he wants his wife to be apart of it.
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Advertise with NZME.So he organises an oyster feast at a restaurant to impress her. He even wears his special-edition Chateau Marmont-embroidered Gucci blazer that retails at approximately $3000. Now, while it is expensive, it kinda just makes him look like he works as the valet driver at The Chateau Marmont.
Either way, it's the perfect way to introduce some romance on the first day of their honeymoon. But romance goes against the producers storyline, and The Sledge Box is promptly tossed on the table.
We all know the drill: that wretched box is filled with questions that are engineered to make the spouses insult each other.
Don't believe me? Let's hear the question.
"Are you attracted to me? And am I your usual type?" Dion pulls out a card and reads it aloud.
OK, we know exactly what's gonna happen here. Predictable? Maybe. Satisfying? Always.
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Advertise with NZME."You're not my usual type," Carolina shrugs. "I don't wanna sound mean because I do think there is potential … but I don't think I'm attracted to you yet."
Annnd there it is.
Look, we respect her honesty and we're sure Dion will take it graceful-
"I need to go to the bathroom," he shoots up from the table, the legs of his chair squeaking as they scrape along the marble tiles. "OK, well … I am attracted to you. So … that makes one of us at least. So … yeah."
Dion storms off — and that's OK. Give him a breather. We don't follow him — that would just be rude. The man is clearly hurt and the last thing he needs is a couple of cameras in his face. We show him some respect by leaving him alone and talking behind his back with Carolina.
"Do I think Dion is good looking enough for me?" she asks. "Do you think Dion is good looking enough for me? Probably all his life he's had girls pretend to be attracted to him. Because of his money. So he's probably never had much rejection and now he's like … doesn't know how to take it."
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Advertise with NZME.We're stunned. That was a rather vicious assessment of her new husband. It seems like a snap judgment. It's almost as if she hasn't thought about her husband's nice qualities. Like, maybe he'll let her borrow his Gucci novelty blazer?
When Dion returns, we think he's cooled off — but the fight isn't over. He has only come back to get his purse. They'll be finishing this argument in the privacy of their hotel room.
But Carolina is a fiery woman and she has no issue insulting her husband further in the middle of an oyster bar. Usually, we'd think this is incredibly ill-mannered. But she is actually just following the rules of The Sledge Box.
"Can I tell you honey? I will tell you," she talks over him.
There's one message she wants to make very clear: she's not looking for a sugar daddy. Yes, Dion is only one year older than her. But that doesn't stop her from slapping him down like he's a weird old man spamming her on a niche-interest dating app.
"We all know that you have a bit of money. And the girls probably pretend to be attracted to you because of it," she says. "And I'm not that type of girl. I do like money, who doesn't? But I'm not going to fake something just because someone has money."
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Advertise with NZME.Well. There is absolutely NO WAY he's letting her borrow his Gucci novelty blazer now.
We'd love to hang around more, but the oysters are gone and things really couldn't get any more humiliating than this. Also, The Sledge Box is making the rounds tonight and we'd just be distraught if we missed newlyweds Jessica and Daniel getting forced to take passive-aggressive digs at each other.
Hey, Jess, wanna start things off with a question from the box?
"If you could change anything about me — physically — what would it be?" she goes rogue and invents her own question.
Daniel is a gentleman. He's not going to actually recite a list of all the things he'd change about his wife's appearance. But he's also not gonna say he wouldn't change a thing. So he does the only thing he can do:
"This just puts me in a position to look like a dick," he says. "It's like asking me to hurt your feelings. It was a trap. 100 per cent. She'll twist my words."
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Advertise with NZME.Yes, Daniel. That's not a secret. This is Married At First Sight. Of course it's a trap! Now tell us what you hate about your wife's appearance so we can clip it into an offensive sound bite to put in the promo!
No answer is enough of an answer for Jessica.
"Well that's just an answer in itself because you're saying there is things you wanna change that would be hurtful to me," she raises her eyebrows.
"OK, so you're saying I've already hurt your feelings — I'm not gonna double hurt your feelings," he rebuts, quoting from the same science textbook the experts use.
This argument is getting nowhere. They both storm off and spend the night in different bedrooms. They just need to sleep on it. Thing's will be better in the morn-
"It's 1am … the last night of our honeymoon," Daniel appears on the screen in rough Blair Witch-style footage, filmed on a phone.
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Advertise with NZME.Everything's dark. It looks like he's hiding in a cupboard.
"I got woken to the sound of Jess on the phone going off about me," he tells us frantically. "She's swearing her head off."
And then, the footage cuts out.
It's ominous. Concerning. We don't know how this situation will end.
So … Ah … Dion's a valet?
• MAFS Australia is available in NZ on Three and ThreeNow
